Do unto others

Lately, I've discovered something about myself that I *really* don't like. It's a terrible habit, and one I absolutely must stop. 

I'm very critical of other people's weights. While I never, ever say anything to anyone, and would never attempt to hurt them, I still *think* it, and often say something to my husband about it in private. It can be as simple as commenting on how a certain celebrity has added a few pounds, or how one of my own friends has just "let herself go." 

It's UGLY. It's nasty, and it's NOT ME. I don't do that. It's doubly hypocritical because while I'm healthy and active now, I've gone for 6 years and more being unhealthy, lazy, and FAT. Did I get "that big"? No. That was honestly more luck than some kind of superior personality trait. 

It's worse when I see a parent with an overweight child. The thoughts that go through my mind are usually something along the lines of "how could you do that to your kid?" You know, because I have slender, active children, I'm a better mom than they are. 

Except for the fact that I have slender, active children *in spite* of the fact that I'm overweight and lazy. They have watched me eat like a pig and sit on my butt their whole lives. I'm very blessed that they listened to what I said, instead of following what I did. That's not me being a better mom, that's me being incredibly blessed with good luck. 

Slender people aren't immune from my scathing glares, either. Someone who is slender but clearly "weak" or unfit gets the same derision, because I lift weights and they don't. They're not immune because they're skinnier than I am... in fact, I'm more harsh, because they're lucky to be slender, and they're wasting it on higher body fat percentages and laziness. I resent them for squandering what they have. I always think, "They'll figure it out when they get older and their metabolism slows down like mine did." It's so rude and unfair. It's petty, and nasty. 

I don't like this part of myself. Even if I never breathe a word of it to these people, it's not okay for me to think these things. Because they're not true! I'm not somehow better than they are because I woke up and started doing something. When I was a teenager, I was those people. I was naturally active, but I ate terribly; it wasn't unusual, for example, for me to come home after school and grate myself HALF A BLOCK of cheese. For a snack. 

I have been the soda-swilling, cheese-burger chomping fat girl. So I didn't get to be 220. Or 250. Or 300. That doesn't mean I'm better than someone who DID get that weight. It just means I was blessed with an awareness before it got too bad, and even then, I've struggled so hard with my own willpower. I should have lost MUCH more than I have, but my own snacking and lack of ability to say no to myself when I want something has sabotaged me again and again. 

I've made great improvements in my physical and nutritional health. I eat SO much better than I ever have. NOw, I think it's time to make some improvements in my mental health. 

Instead of tearing people down in my head, I'm going to start building them up. I can't stop myself from noticing weight, it's a part of my everyday life and I think about it a lot, but I CAN stop myself from being nasty and crude about it. I don't have to revel in my own imagined "superiority" anymore. 

I KNOW how hard it is to get started. I spent more than 6 years sitting and wallowing in that self-loathing that comes with being anything other than perfect. I know what it's like to stare at that plate of food I shouldn't eat, but I can't stop myself. So I don't binge on sweets. But I've gone to Krispy Kreme and devoured three donuts in less than a minute, just because I "deserved" it. I've been there when I threw caution to the wind because I went over my calorie range and figured I might as well blow it to hell and back. 

So I want to say I'm sorry. To every one of you who had the nerve to be alive and have imperfections and issues. Because I've been a complete ass. I may never have seen you on the street, personally, but you here represent all those people I've been so judgmental of. None of us are here because we're perfect people with no problems. We ALL have weight issues, we ALL struggle with being healthy. I have no right to be so judgmental, and you don't deserve it. So accept my apology in lieu of those here in my own hometown, for my stupidity and jealousy. 

And walk with me as I commit to shelving such attitudes and being a more positive, loving person. Because no one deserves abuse, even if it's just in someone else's head. 

Image courtesy of Tobyotter

Just who is this crazy redhead, anyway?

Obviously, I'm a mom and a wife. I have 2 kids, 3 cats, and a dog. I like to grow basil.  I have a cherry tomato plant in my yard that looks like it's drunk but makes the best tomatoes I've ever had. I have a disabled husband, and suffere from a severe case of Uber Lazy myself.

I am a writer, though lapsed. I love words, and have an above-average vocabulary and excel at communication through written means. I'm no slouch at public speaking, either. I'm a community moderator (not here on Sparkpeople, though I wouldn't turn down the job if offered.)

I'm a dilettante who knows a little about a lot of things, but a lot about very few things. Those things I know a lot about though, I tend to get a little obsessed with from time to time.

I am mercurial; I tend to be very positive as a general rule, but I have a mean bite, and can turn cranky at the drop of the hat. I'm always willing to admit when I'm wrong, though, and have apologized for many a foot-to-mouth insertion. I have made friends of enemies.

I love tea. A LOT. I am a regular at a local British tea room, and am trying to get as many friends as possible to join me. My favorite teas are white and herbal, particularly chamomile.

Exercise-wise, I prefer group classes for motivation and camaraderie, and gravitate to boot-camp style classes. I can't stand Zumba, though I'm a big fan of kickboxing.  I hit harder than my husband, and no longer have trouble opening pickle jars. I will, however, fake it now and again to keep my husband feeling like he's needed. ;) I have rediscovered my age-old love of biking. In college, I would ride 20+ miles per day, since I had no car. I am an avid but terribile runner, and will probably never run more than a 5k now and again.

I'm a bit of a spendthrift, and love to drop silly money on microtransactions in worthless games on my computer. I love toys... I have an android tablet, an iPod touch (my second, I lost the first), and a prepaid dumbphone that I would very much like to replace with an iPhone. I'm a gadget-a-holic.

My favorite foods are lemon pepper chicken alfredo, everything bagels, and steak. I'm majorly addicted to cheese, although I'm mildly lactose intolerant.  At any given time, there will be 5+ types of cheese in my fridge. Right now I have Philadelphia 1/3 less fat cream cheese, sweet basil formaggio, mozzarella, Sargento colby jack ultra thin slices, sharp cheddar, and Laughing Cow swiss wedges, and I will eat every last bite of every one of them.  I drink 2% lactose free milk.

And last, but certainly not least, I love dragons.  I've used the handle "Dragonchilde" since 1997, when I discovered the world of online communities in college.  I plan to get a dragon tattooed on my shoulder. I used to be afraid of pain, but having two kids with no pain medications pretty much removed all fear of that.

And that's me. So who are you? Enquiring minds want to know.

Don't talk to yourself like that!

Words are POWERFUL. 

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

If I could find the person who came up with that nonsense, I'd go back in time and assassinate them. Those 13 words are the most damaging, destructive words ever uttered, which is even more ironic given their intended meaning. Broken bones will mend, but words leave marks that never heal. 

Words define us. They create our minds, express our thoughts, make us see people in different ways. Words can tear down the greatest monarch, or build up the smallest child. 

If you tell yourself over and over that this is a bad day, and it's just going to get worse... it will. 

Tell yourself that this is just a blip on the screen, and it'll all be okay... it will. 

Tell yourself you're ugly, and others will see you that way. 

Tell yourself that you're fat, and you are. 

Tell yourself that you're going to be healthy, and you're going to start marching down that path to health and living well. 

Tell yourself that you're beautiful, no matter your size, and you will start to feel and look better in your own skin. 

I am overweight. But I look in the mirror, and I smile. Though I'm not even halfway to my goal yet, I feel GREAT. I look so amazing compared to the way I did this time last year. There isn't even a way to compare the two. 

If I found my daughter calling herself ugly, I wouldn't tolerate that. She's beautiful, no matter what she looks like, and I won't hear her talk that way about herself. I wouldn't let anyone else talk that way about her. 

If I won't let someone else call my daughter names, why should I let anyone else? I'm worth just as much as she is. She came from me, after all! She had to get that worth from somewhere. I'm someone's daughter. My mom wouldn't tolerate anyone calling me names. She loves me! It can be hard for us to love ourselves, but if you want to succeed, it's time to learn. 

Stop calling yourself names. Don't abuse yourself. Think in positive terms. I know, it sounds cheesy and new-age-pop-psychology. But it's true. Negative thinking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I told my husband today that if he kept insisting that this was a terrible day, and it was just one bad thing after another, it was going to be a bad day. 

Stop taking abuse. Don't take it from your husband. Your mother. Your best friend. From YOU. 

You are WORTH MORE than that. You are not fat. You are NOT gross. You are NOT ugly. 

You are you. You are worth the time to be healthy. You are worth the effort to be fit. 

Find words to describe you that aren't tearing you down. Need help? Ask me. I'll find some for you. I'm good with words. I like them. I know a LOT OF THEM.

Here, let me start you out: 

Amazing 
Beautiful 
Strong 
Wonderful 
Determined 
Loved 
Dependable 
Organized 
Smart 
Excellent 
Active 
Fantastic 
Fun 
Caring 
Interesting 
Happy

Exercise makes my whole day better.

Getting to the gym for a workout sets me up for a successful day from right in the beginning.

It gets me up early so I'm available to do the things I need to do. I'm a night owl by nature, and am happiest staying up until 3 AM and sleeping until 11 AM.  This is not, however, conducive to productive daily living.  When I go to the gym, I'm back home by 10:30 at the latest, and ready to work. Often, I'm home earlier than that and get more done before folks at HQ are even awake (I'm on the east coast, and work for a company on the west coast.)

It makes me more likely to make better decisions later.

I eat better. I'm not going to come home flush from a workout and stuff myself with sugary cereal or junk food. I'm going to have a protein shake, or make myself some turkey sausage.  It also makes me more mindful of the things I put in my body so that I'm refueling properly.

I move more. I'm more likely to do something active AFTER a gym workout than before.  Today, I rode the half mile to the nearby Fred's on my bike, instead of driving.  No reason not to, and I was already awake and functional. Lately, I've been driving to the store.

I sleep better at night. When I'm active, I just plain sleep better. I sleep more quickly (normally I'm up for an hour or more trying to fall asleep) because I've used my body, and it has more need of the rest.

I hurt less. The less I move, the more I hurt. My back will start aching from poor posture, my joints start to hurt from the arthritis (I'm only 33.)   In short, exercise makes me just plain feel better.

I'm in a better mood. This means I yell at my kids less, they behave better, I snap at my husband less, and overall, this whole family is happier.

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I love to move. I love exercising. I love being active. I never want to stop!

August the First: Reboot

So, it's no secret that this entire summer has kinda sucked for me. I've been terribly inconsistent with my workouts, and in fact, haven't been more than once a week in two months. Very uncool. Part of it is that without the motivation of having to take the kid to school, I just don't like to get up in the morning. I work from home, so I set my own hours. I'm NOT a morning person. So given my druthers, I stay up late, and sleep in. I've been out of sorts emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

I have done well with my eating, so that I've lost some, though not as much as I'd like. 

But, in order to get back on track, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, and make some goals for August. You guys are going to make me feel guilty if I don't. :) 

So, here's my goals for the month. 

1) I will walk three times a week with my family. With my husband off his meds and my kids getting unfit, we need to make this a priority for all of us. Some of it's understandable; I mean, the average temperature this summer has hovered over 100, so it's been tough to get them to go outside and play. But still, there's no excuse for them getting worn out after a half a mile of walking Monday! 

2) I will go to the gym 3 times per week. I'm paying for the membership, I'm going! I miss my classmates and trainers, honestly. 

3) I will ride my bike 3 times per week. I love my bike. I love riding it. It's not even exercise, to me, it's fun! This will be my me time, my enjoyment time. 

4) I will write 1,667 words a day every day all month for Camp NaNoWriMo. I didn't write a thing during June's camp, so I'm going to do it come hell or high water. 

All doable. What are YOUR goals for this month? 

It's starting to affect my kids!

As anyone who reads my Sparkpage knows, I'm here because I have two small children, now 6 and 4, who look to me for their healthy habits.  I realized that while I was really good at teaching them about healthy choices (my oldest has been making her own healthy choices since she was 4) I wasn't LIVING what I was preaching... they watched me sitting at the computer all day, snacking constantly, overeating, and not exercising.

So to demonstrate healthy living to them, I started living healthier.

Today, I just had a powerful example of how my philosophy is starting to affect them.

After a binge-y day yesterday, I've determined that if I snack today, I will eat healthy, and I'm trying to fill myself up with veggies.  I made a ham lavash wrap (cheese spread, low sodium ham, red leaf lettuce, and wrap) and had carrots with it.

Afterwards, I was still hungry, so I grabbed the bag of baby carrots, and have been sitting here munching on them.  They're a rather good batch, and it was hitting the spot.

Well, first my 6 year old snuck up and grabbed a carrot, and ran off, giggling.  I mock-glared at her, demanding to know who told her she could steal my carrot.

So, the little one ran up, and grabbed one too!  She shoved it in HER mouth, also giggling like a maniac.

Then my 6 year old came back, and has been standing here next to me eating carrots.  They've been tag-teaming, and we've almost killed the whole 1 lb bag.

That, my friends, made me smile. And now I'm full, stuffed to the brim with yummy fresh carrots, and my kids are still snacking post-lunch on raw veggies.

That's why I'm doing this.  THAT is why I'm on this journey in the first place. Not to look good in a pair of pants (though that's an awfully nice side benefit), not to wear a bikini, not to make my high school friends jealous, or even to be able to claim that I exercise regularly, or anything to do with me.

It's because of those two little girls, who are going to be battling the entire world around them for their very lives, suffering an onslaught of conflicting images of high-calorie, low-nutrition yummies at fast food restaurants and rail-thin magazine models, too much screen time, sedentary friends and more.  I think they're getting a pretty damn good start, and I don't think I'm tooting my own horn here.  I'm focused 100% on teaching them healthy body images. I focus on my strength, not my weight loss. Eating healthy, not denying myself good food.

And I think I'm blessed enough to be starting early enough that I can undo the damage I've already done with my past lifestyle, and start this journey to healthy living TOGETHER with them. I will get to see them grow into healthy, happy adults, and fight back against the world that is doing it's best to kill them.

Slaying dragons? Child's play. This, this is hard.

Afraid of the bathing suit?

Are you afraid of your bathing suit? 

I think for the vast majority of us, our bathing suits are a major worry zone. It's a high-stress purchase, and many of us flat out refuse. 

Today, I went to the beach. And I want to tell you something I found interesting. Do you know how many perfect bodies I saw while I was out there? We were there from about 1:30 PM until 7:00. 

Zero. Zilch. Nada. There were a few who were slender-ish, but there were no perfect bodies, and in fact... almost everyone was overweight. Two pieces and all. Even those who were slender had bubble butts, or little pooches, or scars, or stretch marks, or any other number of flaws that appear on real, non-airbrushed bodies. 

It was refreshing. There was no need for me to be concerned about my pooch... because there were tons of people there as large or larger, and all that mattered was we were there with our friends and family, having fun. 

So don't be afraid of your suit. You're not some freak of nature, and you won't be the only imperfect one there. In fact, those perfect people? They're in the minority. As in... they don't exist.