Standing up for myself!

Recent studies have been quite clear: sitting on your ass can kill you. Not just a matter of if, either; the more you sit, the more you raise your risk of dropping dead from a whole host of issues. Even if you're active, and hit the gym regularly, you undo all your hard work by sitting on your bum for 8+ hours a day.

I'm the world's worst about this.  I sit so much my butt starts to hurt, and my back aches.

When I started digging around on the internet for options, I learned much to my horror that entry level standing desks start at $400, and if you want something adjustable, you're going to be shelling out at least $800, and good models run in the thousands.

Errr, no. I'm a poor person. I can't afford that.

Then, I found a $22 Ikea standing desk hack. I started browsing the internet, finding inspiration, pinning my finds on Pinterest, but kept coming back to this. Not only is it cheap, but it would use my existing desk, a beloved desk that was owned by my father and is older than I am.

So, I bit the bullet, pulled out my credit card, and got what I needed. An Ikea lack table, some brackets, and a shelf.

Two days ago, my parts arrived. My dear husband did the dirty job of drilling things (I suck at that) and we put the whole shebang together quickly and easily. I also got an extra shelf and some Capita legs to increase the height of the monitor, but I figure out that in fact, I didn't need it! The height's perfect.

So, here's the end result.

This is the back view. From what I understand, red Scotch electrical tape also matches the color of the shelf perfectly, so I can tape that up and make it all pretty, since this part faces the rest of the house.

This is the view I see. Man, it occurs to me I need to clean my computer!

This entire blog was composed standing up at my new standing desk. I have to say,  I already feel more alert and together, although that could be the placebo effect. I'll report as time wears on. I'm planning on going to the flea market to find some bar stools or such for when I need to sit, since I'm sure I'll need to get used to standing for long periods of time again.

Some fun benefits. The package from Ikea also came with some green bubble wrap that you can't pop like the usual stuff. As it just so  happens, it's REALLY comfortable to stand on! So I'm using that as a mat until I can get a good, new anti-fatigue mat.

And Noodles has discovered that in fact, he can sit in my chair behind me, since I'm not using it. I suppose he approves of the standing desk!

So yay for another step towards good health!

I should have been at my goal weight by now

When I started on this journey, more than a year ago, by this point I thought I would be at my goal weight. I thought I'd shed off the pounds, be fit as a fiddle, and running around at my high school weight. I didn't figure I'd wear a bikini or anything, (pregnancy made sure that the trainwreck that is my stomach is something I'm not comfortable showing to the world) but I thought for sure I'd at least be in a size 10 by now.

But I'm not.

Why?

Well, it comes down to a few things. Life. Stress. Lack of self control. Having a husband who is profoundly overweight. I could point my fingers everywhere. What it comes down to is that I didn't do what needed to be done.

But I don't consider myself a failure. In fact, I think I'm pretty successful, for all I still have 30 lbs  or so to go.

I have kept the weight off. What I've lost, I've kept off. I haven't gone back to old habits.

Over the last year, I've learned to be healthy. I am not dieting or anything like that, and all those babysteps have added up to the point where I'm no longer afraid of maintenance. Heck, I maintained a steady weight for 6 months without even trying, when I fell off the wagon the last time.

So I'm losing slowly. I don't mind that. This has been a journey of education, of self-discovery. Of learning that I like being healthy, that I enjoy being fit. I'm fitter now than I have been since college, for all I'm still overweight. I'm not obese anymore. I'm proud of that progress. I'm wearing clothes that I look good in, I have self confidence, and most importantly, I haven't given up. I haven't done as so many people do and start, and then quit after a few months. I am not on the yoyo train, I haven't had to shed the same 10 lbs over and over again.

I think I'm doing well.

This feels like a turning point for me. I'm almost zen about it; I just feel philosophical. I've been fat for a long time. I've felt fat for a long time. I don't feel fat anymore. I still glare at my gut, and wish it would go away, but I don't frown or avoid the mirror, and I've caught myself checking out my butt a time or two.

So if it feels like your progress is achingly slow, look at the big picture. What matters isn't that you shed the weight to look good in a wedding dress, or for a reunion, or whatever special event you want to reach. It's not about fitting a bikini, or any of that. This is a journey of healthy living for life.

And suppose that I didn't lose a single other pound. I stayed right here, at 184, for the rest of my life.

You know what? I'm okay with that. It's not ideal, and I could be healthier, but as long as I stay active, eat right, I think I would be okay with whatever my weight is. As long as I can outrun my children, play with my dog, lift weights, and enjoy a very tasty slice of whole wheat toast with peanut butter... who cares what that stupid scale says?

I have to love me, no matter what my weight. What if I reach my goal weight, but I'm not happy with my body? It happens all the time. People somehow link a certain scale number with happiness, and they reach it, and discover that happiness doesn't magically fall from the sky.

To be successful in this journey, I think you have to do more than just lose weight. I think you have to work on the inside. Focus on that brain. If your brain isn't ready and able to cope with the journey, you won't make it to the end. And even if you do, you won't stay there. I think the reason so many people gain the weight back is because they never go their mind together.

So think about it. What can you do to get your brain in order? How can you change your mindset to be less about the scale?

Photo courtesy of ddddaniel.

When did I start eating low-carb?

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about low-carb diets. I don't like them, I don't support them, and while I know that they work for some people, they're not a good choice for me. I really don't feel like people need to eliminate entire food groups from their diet to succeed.

You see, I LIKE carbs. I love pasta. I adore pizza. I really do love it!

But over the past year or so, I've been making healthier choices, and have started choosing complex carbs over simple carbs. I eat a lot more veggies. Instead of pasta four times a week, I might have it one. I skip my morning breakfast biscuits more often than not, now.

I have been noticing on my nutrition reports, though, that I'm usually under the minimum ranges for carbs, and I'm not sure how that happened. (Click to expand.)

The green range is where I'm supposed to be.

Here's my graph from the first couple of months I used Sparkpeople. (very low points are likely days I didn't track accurately.)

Now, I don't really see this as a problem; the carbs I do get are high-quality. I don't avoid bread, I eat whole wheat. I like my pasta, but I mix it half-and-half. I'm more likely to skip the tortillas, but I still enjoy a good fajita bowl.

It's just weird; I didn't choose this, it just happened. I don't stress about it, and believe me, on the days I work out, I make sure I get enough (you can tell what days those are, they're the ones in the green ranges.)

Strange how habits change.

Healthy living is about more than what you eat!

Before: It's easy to toss stuff aside to deal with later, right?

As I've walked this road and grown in this journey, I've taken a lot of deep, introspective looks into my life. Part of that has been dealing with my home. As some of you who have read my blog in the past know that I have issues with clutter. To put it bluntly, I live at the step just before you get on TV with a camera crew and a bunch of junk trucks at the house while you scream at people for touching your stuff.

So I'm trying to battle these tendencies, and beat back the clutter. Because taking care of my body in the *inside* isn't enough. I have to take care of it on the outside, too. My home is a reflection of my inner being, and I'm no longer depressed, carrying too much dead weight, and unmotivated to clean.

But I have years worth of clutter to work through. And I'm doing it alone; my girls are too small to be of much  help (though they enthusiastically try, they end up making more work.) My husband is too sick and wrapped up in his own issues to be of much use, either. I could scream and nag and yell, or I can just do it and hope he joins in.

So I've made it a goal each day to tackle one trouble spot in the house. There's a lot, so this'll take a while. ;) But I am making progress. Last week, I spent 3 1/2 hours doing dishes. We now have a clean kitchen!

Then, I tackled a shelf that was cluttered from a previous cleanup attempt elsewhere. It's now neat and tidy.

I organized the headboard of my bed, which was a rickety stack of half-read paperbacks, into a neat and organized shelf uncluttered with random junk.

I also attacked a box of clothes that had sat untouched for months... Everything in it went into a drawer or a donation bag.

Today I got a wild hair... I was feeling really motivated, so I folded all the laundry my husband washed and didn't fold. Then, I cleaned up the pile in the hallway by his desk that was creeping along the floor and becoming a hazard. Finally, I called my husband and asked if he minded me cleaning up his desk.

He gave me the green light, and I did.

So, a full bag of donation clothes, three trashbags, and a lot of 409 later, the  hall spot is clean so the girls can hang up their book bags and coats without leaning over junk, and he actually HAS a desk, instead of a teetering pile of papers. I didn't mind helping him with that, since it contained a lot of my stuff from before I got the dining room cleared out and set up a work station.

This is also my way of trying to help his recovery. You see, the clutter in our home is constant stress and cognitive dissonance. It triggers unhealthy reactions in both of us. Anger, binging, even drinking (in his case.) I can't tell you how often I've thrown a temper tantrum over the clutter and then reached for something in the fridge to compensate.

You see, the same principles that have applied to my growth in healthy living can be applied in all aspects of my life. Baby steps! I can't clean this whole house at once... it's too much for one person, I can't afford a personal organizer, and it's not bad enough to end up on TV. ;) So, I take it in bite-sized chunks, the way I did when I started trying to lose weight.

We get SO wrapped up in all or nothing. We look at the sum-total of what we have to do, and we get discouraged. I've been there! You see, I've lost entire rooms to this clutter problem. I've stood there, looked around the house, and couldn't fathom how I'd ever do it. I've stared at my fat in the mirror naked and turned away, discouraged because I can't make it disappear, right now.

But you know something? I can focus on the next pound. I can pick up those socks over there. I can make it a habit to take something to the trash every time I get up from my desk. I can clear a 3 x 3 space in my home.

I've found that like clutter, clean spreads. If you make a nice, neat space, you're more likely to pick up the pile of papers beside it. This is the principle behind clean-living guru Flylady's program, too. You start with a shiny sink, and magically, the dishes tend to get done because you want to keep that sink shiny. Then you wipe the counter, because who wants a dirty counter next to a shiny sink? And well, you might as well wipe the stove too.

And the floors need mopping.

Which takes you to the dining room. Better empty that trash.

Healthy living is the same. What's the point of eating whole wheat spagetti if you're going to load it down with two pounds of cheese? (Guilty!) So you eat a little less cheese. You put a little less sugar in your coffee. You eat another vegetable or two instead of second helpings of fried chicken.

After: Days of cleanup and countless trash bags later.

And suddenly, you're 25 pounds lighter, your pants are loose enough you need to use a belt hole you've never used before, you can walk through your house without tripping, and you're going to bed with a smile on your face.

Am I done yet? Not by a long shot. I have a lot of growth ahead of me. A lot of weight loss. A lot of cleaning.

But I know I CAN do it, because I AM doing it.

Oh, and my husband? He's helping too. ;) He's started picking up things he finds here and there... and he's been helping with the dishes. And making salads for dinner.

We can do this. Together.

Good, better, best?

What should you be eating to get fit?

So often people ask "Is this healthy?" or "Should I eat this or this?"

I say you don't have to have the best to be healthy, lose weight, and get fit.

Running is one of the best calorie burners around, minute for minute. It's cheap, it can be done anywhere, and it scorches calories like nobody's business.

But if you can't run, or hate running, what good does it do you? So, when you have a choice between nothing, running, and something, you go for something. A walk you will do just as well. Because what matters isn't how many calories you burn in an hour, but how many calories you eat over the course of a week, and you adjust that number anyway. Your 1 lb per week will come off the same if you burn more and eat more, or burn less and eat less.

Whole grain bread is better than whole wheat bread. But if you hate the taste of whole grain bread, and won't eat it, what good does it do you? I would rather eat sawdust than your average loaf of "whole grain" bread. I can't stand the texture. Is Nature's Own Honey Wheat the absolute best thing for my body? No, it's not. There are tons of brands that are healthier, lower calorie, have more fiber, more whole grains, or whatever.

But I like the taste, it's far better than enriched white bread, and my husband and kids will eat it without complaint.

If I bring in a loaf of whole grain, it molds.

Black beans are all the rage these days, and are in all kinds of "healthy" dishes, used as replacements in all sorts of "fake out" meals that trick you into thinking you're getting something your'e not. That's all well and good, but I happen to HATE black beans! So, which is better... a black bean burger that turns my stomach, or a lean ground beef patty that has my mouth watering?

Is organic better for your body and environment? Absolutely. No one needs pesticides, and research has shown the antibiotics in commercially produced meat aren't good for any of us. But when organically grown meat is $1 or more per pound more than regular, it may not be a good choice for you. I could buy all organic, but my food bill would double, which would make my available budget less, and at the end of the month, we'd be eating ramen noodles and mac and cheese, instead of lean meats and fresh veggies.

Best isn't always better, and good is sometimes just fine. So don't be bound by what is "best", "healthiest", or aim for what's absolutely perfect.

Work with your budget, your tastes, your needs, and don't beat yourself up for not being a perfect vegan health nut who only shops at specialty locally grown farmer's markets and whole food stores.

Start where you are. Don't insist on perfection. Work with what you have, what you like.

After all, that organically grown handmade tofu and wheatgrass veggie burger made only from fresh, whole ingredients is useless if it tastes like cardboard and your family won't eat it.

Photo courtesy of Newbirth35

Changing my stress response

I'm not hungry... just bored!

One of the biggest challenges any overweight person must face is how to deal with stress. We all have stress; it's hardly a unique trait. How we respond to it, however, can make or break your journey to healthy living.

What I used to do was sneak around and eat. I'd make a trip to Burger King for the family, and eat an extra biscuit on the way home, and throw the wrapper in the trash on the way in. Or I'd sneak off to Waffle House for a 1200 calorie meal.

I'd throw myself into a double helping of spaghetti, or constantly stand in front of the refrigerator, desperately seeking something to take my mind off the stress. I like to think I'm a laid back person, but really what I am is a person who has trained herself to pretend there is no problem.

So over the last year or so, I've been trying to  adjust my stress response.  Instead of heading to the kitchen when I'm bored, I'll open a game of Bejeweled. If the tension in the house is too much, I'll try and go for a walk, instead.

If I DO turn to boredom or stress eating, I'm trying to make healthier choices, instead of just simple, heavy carbs. I haven't willingly eaten a chip in over a month. They just don't interest me anymore.

If I catch myself having trouble resisting a particularly tasty treat, I make less of it, or not have it so often. (I'm looking at you, tiny tasty ham sandwiches.)

Over time, this has added up to big changes.

This week, I resolved to STOP my late night snacking. That was what was sabotaging my efforts. I'd do so well all day, but then my husband would break out his crackers and cheese, or he'd make something I love, and bam, nom nom nom over my calorie range.

But the last two days, I've stopped doing that. If I DO have a snack, it's a very small one, like a slice of cheese or a string cheese stick. (What? I like cheese.)

But more importantly, when I do snack during the day, or make a meal, I've been trying to be healthier. That turkey stroganoff I made last night was just as good as my usual, but half the calories... just by substituting the meat.

I'm slowly trying to change my way of thinking. The last three weeks have been one of the most  hellishly stressful I've experienced in a very long time, but I have NOT turned to food for solace. Not only have I not gained weight like I usually do, I've lost.

The first time my husband was hospitalized,  I spend the time I had alone going to restaurants, dining on fried cheese sticks, wings, anything to make me feel better.

I don't know when that shift happened, but I like it.

I like it a lot.

Oh, and that 187 came back this morning. If it's still there tomorrow, I'm counting it, baby.

Photo courtesy of Buzzfarmers

I want a do-over for today

Today has officially been one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I even called my aunt to lament my day.

It started off kinda sucky; I didn't get much sleep last night, and I was down in the doldrums, lonely, and a bit depressed. I decided to shake it off, and go for a walk. Grabbed the leash, and enjoyed a LOVELY walk (which I'll post about separately) with my dog. 40 minutes, very relaxing.

But I walked into a shitstorm when I returned home.


Four missed calls... two from the school, four from my sister in law.

Turns out my youngest was sick, and I'd forgotten my cell phone, so the school wound up calling her when they couldn't raise either me or my husband on the phone.

I managed to catch my SIL before she left work to pick up my daughter, thankfully. I went to the school, to find that my four year old was COVERED in spots!  So, straight to the doctor. Turns out, she had an allergic reaction to her antibiotic! So we had to stop t hat, and start the antihistamine. VERY unpleasant. The pharmacist was a little startled, it was a pretty nasty one.

So, we left the pediatrician, and lo and behold... FLAT TIRE!

Seriously, universe?

I nursed the car up the hill to the Fountain Car Wash, where they very kindly refilled the air in the tire (slow leak, thankfully... I can limp it along till hubby's home).

So, finally made it back home. Called the hospital to check on my husband.

They won't tell me when, but they did say that he won't be home today.

This sucks, because they don't really do releases on the weekend, so at the very soonest, it'll be Monday.

So I'm on my own for the weekend. I was hoping to have a family trip to the Ocmulgee Indian Festival this weekend; I'd even invited some cousins and my aunt. It looks like they probably won't be able to make it. I'm still going... it'll distract the girls, and frankly, me. It's always a wonderful treat. I'll take lots of pictures to share with you guys.  Basically, we have these special monuments here, Indian burial mounds, and every year, several tribes return home to celebrate. There's food, stands, performances... the whole area really comes alive. There's a weird sort of energy; the sound of the drums, resonating off of those ancient mounds. It's very moving, and enjoyable.

We'll still go, and we'll enjoy it, but we'll miss my husband, and my family.

A lot.

Retraining the stress response

Today, my family careened headlong into another family crisis.

I found myself trying to turn to old standbys to deal with stress, and made a conscious effort to redirect that instinctive response. You see, what I tend to do when I'm stress is one of two things depending on my level of stress in a crisis situation.

1) Ignore my own needs to the extreme, including skipping meals and ignoring my body's need for sleep and food.

OR (and more commonly)

2) Head to the nearest fast food restaurant for some high-calorie comfort.

After the girls got out of school, I thought about treating them to pizza, t hen decided that I wanted to make some old comfort food at home... and make it healthier. So we did, and it satisfied them so much they didn't even ask for snacks after. Later that evening, we went to the hospital to take my husband some important things, and headed home.

As I drove back home from the hospital, I starting thinking, "We should drop by McDonald's. A happy meal would take the girls' minds off of this."

Then I realized... holy cow, is that the message I want to send my daughters?  That when you're feeling down, fries and a cheeseburger is the healthy response?

No. I don't. Even though I wanted, with all my being, to hit that drive through for some crappy, barely-qualifies-as-meat burgers, salty fries, and a tea, I made a very conscious decision to NOT stop there. For starters, we'd already had dinner, and it was past the girls' bedtime, so it was time to head home.

So I drove right by McDonald's.  I suppressed my urge to treat them to some Waffle House, too, as we drove by that. Instead, I redirected their tears with a funny story about the dog (who was with us, and his ears flapped in the breeze) flying. They were laughing, and soon I had them tucked in. Instead of a meal, I let them stay up a little later and watch some cartoons (normally a weekend-only treat at bedtime.)

I ate one piece of cheese and a cup of milk to settle my stomach and bring my calorie count up to my minimum, but that's the extent of it. I'm planning on going to boot camp in the morning to release some of this built up tension.

So will I maintain my willpower all week? I don't know. I'm taking this one moment at a time, one urge at a time, but I'm proud of my efforts so far. The last time this happened, I spent the whole time indulging in crap I didn't need. This time, I'm treating my body better, and setting a better example to my kids of how to deal with sadness and stress. And even if I fail, that's okay. This isn't about perfection. I have a lifetime of momentum to overcome. I can only do it one step at a time.

Photo courtesy of BrownGuacamole

When self control is out of control

So the biggest problem I have is eating. I'm good at exercising; I LIKE to exercise! Just now, for example, rather than give in to the fridge-rooting snack attack, I went for a bike ride. Now, I don't often do that... today was an example of a superlative moment inspired by Sparkcoach. It was even less exercise and more fun!

But realistically, the reason I haven't lost more weight than I have is I eat too much. NEver enough to gain weight, really (I tend to naturally eat a maintenance, now that I'm more aware of what I eat) but without a weight-loss deficit.

So I emailed Sparkcoach and asked for some advice, and I really, really like the response I got. Basically, the suggestion was to focus on the one or two foods that I have trouble with. I've noticed that when I eat pasta for lunch or skip breakfast, I tend to make poorer choices later, or I'm more likely to snack.  I love pasta though, so what do I do?

I think what I need to do is focus more on balanced nutrition. Pasta's just fine... it's good for me, I usually eat whole wheat. But by itself, it's not enough to really keep me full. So I'm going to work on always adding a salad,  and heavier amounts of protein to go with it.  I want to up my veggie count; perhaps add a can of spinach to my pasta sauce? I have a good alfredo recipe with chicken, but I can definitely add some more veggies to it. Maybe some roasted tomatoes or peppers.

Yesterday I actually even juiced up my ramen noodle cup by adding a can of peas and carrots to it!

We're a little tight on the budget side right now (I was supposed to get paid Friday, but the labor day weekend means I'll get paid on Tuesday) so I'm struggling to provide food for everyone, much less healthy food for me.

So my action plan is going to be to focus on augmenting or replacing my problem foods (I love zucchini pasta, so I can either mix or replace pasta with that) and then once I have that in order, I need to focus on managing my stress levels. It's dialed up to 11 around here, with school, my husband's health, and the addition of more responsibilities through church (I've temporarily taken up my old job as webmaster while they find someone else), the ramping up of the NaNoWriMo preparation season...  I'm just about ready to lose my mind.

So I want to invite you to join me in a September challenge.  I'm going to focus on one problem area at a time, and eliminating those, so that I can take on the next three months (generally the toughest, most stressful months of the year for me) head on, and get this weight loss challenge in gear!

Photo courtesy of publicenergy

Fifteen Cheerios

I counted them. 15 cheerios, floating around in my bowl.  I spooned them up about five at a time, and dropped them in the trash. Then, I poured the last 1/4 of a cup of milk or so down the drain, rinsed my bowl, and set it on the sink to be washed. 

Why? 

I measured my cereal this morning. 50 grams of cheerios, 4 oz of milk, and a cut up banana for good measure. It's a magic breakfast, one my mom used to make for me as a child, and it occured to me that it's the perfect post-workout breakfast. Plus, it just plain tastes good. 

Well, I ate my cereal, and then, at the end, with just a few lone cheerios floating around in my bowl, I realized something. 

I was full. 

Now, once upon a time, I'd have eaten those fifteen cheerios. I'd have turned the bowl up, and finished off the milk. Not because I was hungry, but because they were there. 

But now? I'm not a garbage can, and I shouldn't treat my body like it is. So what, it was just fifteen cheerios. That's literally not even enough to register on my food scale. I didn't *want* them! My body was telling me "Hey, I'm full, thanks!" So, I decided that I wasn't going to eat them. I put those fifteen cheerios in the trash... not my stomach. 

Sure, it wouldn't have made a difference calorie-wise. I'm not going to get fat eating fifteen cheerios and a fourth of a cup of milk. But that's not the point. I'm trying to reorder the way I think about food. Food is fuel. I LOVE food, don't get me wrong. I'm a TOTAL foodie... but when my body is telling me I'm done, I have to listen to it, because it's smarter than my brain is.  

So I do. This is a major thing for me. And let's suppose I did this every day for a year, eating those fifteen cheerios and the fourth of a cup of milk. How many bowls of cheerios would I have eaten without having to? 

I challenge you, my friends, to STOP cleaning your plate. Stop treating your body like a garbage disposal. Even if it's just a little, when you're done, you're DONE. Listen, and stop. Don't worry about the minuscule portions left over. Mom and grandma were wrong... cleaning your plate isn't something to be proud of! 

And moms, I know you. You've been known to finish off your kid's plates when they're done, just to keep that food from going to waste, haven't you? I have.  Well, stop it. Remember that your body is your temple, your only one, the thing you need to get from age 0 to your deathbed. You end up wasting the food anyway, because what does our body do with the food you eat that you don't need? That's right. Metabolizes it right into fat for storage. So instead of the trash can, it's on your hips now. 

Stop treating your body like a landfill. It's better than that. YOU are better than that. You deserve BETTER. 

Photo Courtesy lobstar28

Leading Horses

Most, if not all of us, have loved ones who are not healthy. As we walk our own troubled paths, we crave companionship, especially from those who are closest to us. For those of us who are married, this is often our spouse. Our need for them to be with us is not just about companionship, either; it's also about worry, about wanting them to live forever and be with us forever and be healthy. It's love. 

But what do you DO? 

I've found in my journey thus far that you can't force them. There's no amount of nagging that will make my husband start being healthier. In fact, most people respond negatively to nagging, and will do the opposite just to spite you! 

You can't treat your significant other (or indeed, anyone else in your life who is an adult) like a child, and expect them to thank you for it. 

What CAN you do for a loved one you're afraid of losing to bad health? 

Be there. Do what you're doing. Set an example. If you're the cook, keep making healthier things that accommodate their tastes, while improving nutritional content. I've switched our family completely over to 93% lean ground beef, for example. We were at the grocery store the other day, and my husband saw me get it, and he said "Trying something new? I thought that stuff was dry." I smiled and told him we'd been eating it for months. 

I've bought low-sodium ham. I keep fresh, raw veggies on hand for snacks for the kids. I talk about the things I'm doing. I mention that I want to start making our plates based on the government food plate. Never do I tell him what he needs to do. I talk about what *I'm* doing. 

And it's working. As time progresses, he is starting to be more aware of his choices, and is slowly but surely making more healthy ones. At a buffet, he still goes for nothing but deep fried veggies, fries, and brown things (seriously, the whole plate will be brown) but he's more likely to add veggies when he's cooking, or eat them first, and he's trying to get more exercise. 

One change that I have made? I buy him 2% milk. He drinks a lot of milk, and it's healthier for him. He asks me specifically to get him whole milk sometimes, and I do when requested, but absent his request, it's 2%. At a minimum, every other gallon is 2%. 

The other day, we were at the store together, and it was time to get milk. The last gallon was 2%. He looked at the whole milk. Then glared at me. And picked up the 2%. 

He knows. ;) He's a big boy. But he has to make the choice to be healthy. I can't make it for him. Through my example, I'm helping to slowly change his environment, but in the end... he has to make the move to good health. He knows I'll pay for a gym membership if he wants one. But until he's ready... he won't take it. And I'm okay with that. I can deal with waiting patiently, as long as eventually we're on that road together. 

Will we be riding bikes together or lifting weights together? I don't know. I hope so, though it's a slim hope. 

But I'll be happy to see him choose some green veggies at the buffet one day. :) 

Photo courtesy of Canadian Veggie

Do unto others

Lately, I've discovered something about myself that I *really* don't like. It's a terrible habit, and one I absolutely must stop. 

I'm very critical of other people's weights. While I never, ever say anything to anyone, and would never attempt to hurt them, I still *think* it, and often say something to my husband about it in private. It can be as simple as commenting on how a certain celebrity has added a few pounds, or how one of my own friends has just "let herself go." 

It's UGLY. It's nasty, and it's NOT ME. I don't do that. It's doubly hypocritical because while I'm healthy and active now, I've gone for 6 years and more being unhealthy, lazy, and FAT. Did I get "that big"? No. That was honestly more luck than some kind of superior personality trait. 

It's worse when I see a parent with an overweight child. The thoughts that go through my mind are usually something along the lines of "how could you do that to your kid?" You know, because I have slender, active children, I'm a better mom than they are. 

Except for the fact that I have slender, active children *in spite* of the fact that I'm overweight and lazy. They have watched me eat like a pig and sit on my butt their whole lives. I'm very blessed that they listened to what I said, instead of following what I did. That's not me being a better mom, that's me being incredibly blessed with good luck. 

Slender people aren't immune from my scathing glares, either. Someone who is slender but clearly "weak" or unfit gets the same derision, because I lift weights and they don't. They're not immune because they're skinnier than I am... in fact, I'm more harsh, because they're lucky to be slender, and they're wasting it on higher body fat percentages and laziness. I resent them for squandering what they have. I always think, "They'll figure it out when they get older and their metabolism slows down like mine did." It's so rude and unfair. It's petty, and nasty. 

I don't like this part of myself. Even if I never breathe a word of it to these people, it's not okay for me to think these things. Because they're not true! I'm not somehow better than they are because I woke up and started doing something. When I was a teenager, I was those people. I was naturally active, but I ate terribly; it wasn't unusual, for example, for me to come home after school and grate myself HALF A BLOCK of cheese. For a snack. 

I have been the soda-swilling, cheese-burger chomping fat girl. So I didn't get to be 220. Or 250. Or 300. That doesn't mean I'm better than someone who DID get that weight. It just means I was blessed with an awareness before it got too bad, and even then, I've struggled so hard with my own willpower. I should have lost MUCH more than I have, but my own snacking and lack of ability to say no to myself when I want something has sabotaged me again and again. 

I've made great improvements in my physical and nutritional health. I eat SO much better than I ever have. NOw, I think it's time to make some improvements in my mental health. 

Instead of tearing people down in my head, I'm going to start building them up. I can't stop myself from noticing weight, it's a part of my everyday life and I think about it a lot, but I CAN stop myself from being nasty and crude about it. I don't have to revel in my own imagined "superiority" anymore. 

I KNOW how hard it is to get started. I spent more than 6 years sitting and wallowing in that self-loathing that comes with being anything other than perfect. I know what it's like to stare at that plate of food I shouldn't eat, but I can't stop myself. So I don't binge on sweets. But I've gone to Krispy Kreme and devoured three donuts in less than a minute, just because I "deserved" it. I've been there when I threw caution to the wind because I went over my calorie range and figured I might as well blow it to hell and back. 

So I want to say I'm sorry. To every one of you who had the nerve to be alive and have imperfections and issues. Because I've been a complete ass. I may never have seen you on the street, personally, but you here represent all those people I've been so judgmental of. None of us are here because we're perfect people with no problems. We ALL have weight issues, we ALL struggle with being healthy. I have no right to be so judgmental, and you don't deserve it. So accept my apology in lieu of those here in my own hometown, for my stupidity and jealousy. 

And walk with me as I commit to shelving such attitudes and being a more positive, loving person. Because no one deserves abuse, even if it's just in someone else's head. 

Image courtesy of Tobyotter

Don't talk to yourself like that!

Words are POWERFUL. 

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

If I could find the person who came up with that nonsense, I'd go back in time and assassinate them. Those 13 words are the most damaging, destructive words ever uttered, which is even more ironic given their intended meaning. Broken bones will mend, but words leave marks that never heal. 

Words define us. They create our minds, express our thoughts, make us see people in different ways. Words can tear down the greatest monarch, or build up the smallest child. 

If you tell yourself over and over that this is a bad day, and it's just going to get worse... it will. 

Tell yourself that this is just a blip on the screen, and it'll all be okay... it will. 

Tell yourself you're ugly, and others will see you that way. 

Tell yourself that you're fat, and you are. 

Tell yourself that you're going to be healthy, and you're going to start marching down that path to health and living well. 

Tell yourself that you're beautiful, no matter your size, and you will start to feel and look better in your own skin. 

I am overweight. But I look in the mirror, and I smile. Though I'm not even halfway to my goal yet, I feel GREAT. I look so amazing compared to the way I did this time last year. There isn't even a way to compare the two. 

If I found my daughter calling herself ugly, I wouldn't tolerate that. She's beautiful, no matter what she looks like, and I won't hear her talk that way about herself. I wouldn't let anyone else talk that way about her. 

If I won't let someone else call my daughter names, why should I let anyone else? I'm worth just as much as she is. She came from me, after all! She had to get that worth from somewhere. I'm someone's daughter. My mom wouldn't tolerate anyone calling me names. She loves me! It can be hard for us to love ourselves, but if you want to succeed, it's time to learn. 

Stop calling yourself names. Don't abuse yourself. Think in positive terms. I know, it sounds cheesy and new-age-pop-psychology. But it's true. Negative thinking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I told my husband today that if he kept insisting that this was a terrible day, and it was just one bad thing after another, it was going to be a bad day. 

Stop taking abuse. Don't take it from your husband. Your mother. Your best friend. From YOU. 

You are WORTH MORE than that. You are not fat. You are NOT gross. You are NOT ugly. 

You are you. You are worth the time to be healthy. You are worth the effort to be fit. 

Find words to describe you that aren't tearing you down. Need help? Ask me. I'll find some for you. I'm good with words. I like them. I know a LOT OF THEM.

Here, let me start you out: 

Amazing 
Beautiful 
Strong 
Wonderful 
Determined 
Loved 
Dependable 
Organized 
Smart 
Excellent 
Active 
Fantastic 
Fun 
Caring 
Interesting 
Happy

Exercise makes my whole day better.

Getting to the gym for a workout sets me up for a successful day from right in the beginning.

It gets me up early so I'm available to do the things I need to do. I'm a night owl by nature, and am happiest staying up until 3 AM and sleeping until 11 AM.  This is not, however, conducive to productive daily living.  When I go to the gym, I'm back home by 10:30 at the latest, and ready to work. Often, I'm home earlier than that and get more done before folks at HQ are even awake (I'm on the east coast, and work for a company on the west coast.)

It makes me more likely to make better decisions later.

I eat better. I'm not going to come home flush from a workout and stuff myself with sugary cereal or junk food. I'm going to have a protein shake, or make myself some turkey sausage.  It also makes me more mindful of the things I put in my body so that I'm refueling properly.

I move more. I'm more likely to do something active AFTER a gym workout than before.  Today, I rode the half mile to the nearby Fred's on my bike, instead of driving.  No reason not to, and I was already awake and functional. Lately, I've been driving to the store.

I sleep better at night. When I'm active, I just plain sleep better. I sleep more quickly (normally I'm up for an hour or more trying to fall asleep) because I've used my body, and it has more need of the rest.

I hurt less. The less I move, the more I hurt. My back will start aching from poor posture, my joints start to hurt from the arthritis (I'm only 33.)   In short, exercise makes me just plain feel better.

I'm in a better mood. This means I yell at my kids less, they behave better, I snap at my husband less, and overall, this whole family is happier.

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I love to move. I love exercising. I love being active. I never want to stop!

August the First: Reboot

So, it's no secret that this entire summer has kinda sucked for me. I've been terribly inconsistent with my workouts, and in fact, haven't been more than once a week in two months. Very uncool. Part of it is that without the motivation of having to take the kid to school, I just don't like to get up in the morning. I work from home, so I set my own hours. I'm NOT a morning person. So given my druthers, I stay up late, and sleep in. I've been out of sorts emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

I have done well with my eating, so that I've lost some, though not as much as I'd like. 

But, in order to get back on track, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, and make some goals for August. You guys are going to make me feel guilty if I don't. :) 

So, here's my goals for the month. 

1) I will walk three times a week with my family. With my husband off his meds and my kids getting unfit, we need to make this a priority for all of us. Some of it's understandable; I mean, the average temperature this summer has hovered over 100, so it's been tough to get them to go outside and play. But still, there's no excuse for them getting worn out after a half a mile of walking Monday! 

2) I will go to the gym 3 times per week. I'm paying for the membership, I'm going! I miss my classmates and trainers, honestly. 

3) I will ride my bike 3 times per week. I love my bike. I love riding it. It's not even exercise, to me, it's fun! This will be my me time, my enjoyment time. 

4) I will write 1,667 words a day every day all month for Camp NaNoWriMo. I didn't write a thing during June's camp, so I'm going to do it come hell or high water. 

All doable. What are YOUR goals for this month? 

It's starting to affect my kids!

As anyone who reads my Sparkpage knows, I'm here because I have two small children, now 6 and 4, who look to me for their healthy habits.  I realized that while I was really good at teaching them about healthy choices (my oldest has been making her own healthy choices since she was 4) I wasn't LIVING what I was preaching... they watched me sitting at the computer all day, snacking constantly, overeating, and not exercising.

So to demonstrate healthy living to them, I started living healthier.

Today, I just had a powerful example of how my philosophy is starting to affect them.

After a binge-y day yesterday, I've determined that if I snack today, I will eat healthy, and I'm trying to fill myself up with veggies.  I made a ham lavash wrap (cheese spread, low sodium ham, red leaf lettuce, and wrap) and had carrots with it.

Afterwards, I was still hungry, so I grabbed the bag of baby carrots, and have been sitting here munching on them.  They're a rather good batch, and it was hitting the spot.

Well, first my 6 year old snuck up and grabbed a carrot, and ran off, giggling.  I mock-glared at her, demanding to know who told her she could steal my carrot.

So, the little one ran up, and grabbed one too!  She shoved it in HER mouth, also giggling like a maniac.

Then my 6 year old came back, and has been standing here next to me eating carrots.  They've been tag-teaming, and we've almost killed the whole 1 lb bag.

That, my friends, made me smile. And now I'm full, stuffed to the brim with yummy fresh carrots, and my kids are still snacking post-lunch on raw veggies.

That's why I'm doing this.  THAT is why I'm on this journey in the first place. Not to look good in a pair of pants (though that's an awfully nice side benefit), not to wear a bikini, not to make my high school friends jealous, or even to be able to claim that I exercise regularly, or anything to do with me.

It's because of those two little girls, who are going to be battling the entire world around them for their very lives, suffering an onslaught of conflicting images of high-calorie, low-nutrition yummies at fast food restaurants and rail-thin magazine models, too much screen time, sedentary friends and more.  I think they're getting a pretty damn good start, and I don't think I'm tooting my own horn here.  I'm focused 100% on teaching them healthy body images. I focus on my strength, not my weight loss. Eating healthy, not denying myself good food.

And I think I'm blessed enough to be starting early enough that I can undo the damage I've already done with my past lifestyle, and start this journey to healthy living TOGETHER with them. I will get to see them grow into healthy, happy adults, and fight back against the world that is doing it's best to kill them.

Slaying dragons? Child's play. This, this is hard.

Afraid of the bathing suit?

Are you afraid of your bathing suit? 

I think for the vast majority of us, our bathing suits are a major worry zone. It's a high-stress purchase, and many of us flat out refuse. 

Today, I went to the beach. And I want to tell you something I found interesting. Do you know how many perfect bodies I saw while I was out there? We were there from about 1:30 PM until 7:00. 

Zero. Zilch. Nada. There were a few who were slender-ish, but there were no perfect bodies, and in fact... almost everyone was overweight. Two pieces and all. Even those who were slender had bubble butts, or little pooches, or scars, or stretch marks, or any other number of flaws that appear on real, non-airbrushed bodies. 

It was refreshing. There was no need for me to be concerned about my pooch... because there were tons of people there as large or larger, and all that mattered was we were there with our friends and family, having fun. 

So don't be afraid of your suit. You're not some freak of nature, and you won't be the only imperfect one there. In fact, those perfect people? They're in the minority. As in... they don't exist. 

Not only do I feel stronger, I look stronger.

Part of my weight loss journey has been the discovery that I love to lift weights. It makes me feel so powerful; I don't bother with those stupid little 2 and 5 lb girlie weights (although I do own a single purple 5 lb hand weight, I don't use it) anymore, I lift as heavy I as I can!

It's paying off. Not only do I look better than I did (and honestly, though I've lost 21 lbs, thanks to the strength training, I look like I've lost more!) but I feel amazing.  I love the burn... my husband thinks I'm nuts, but I really do love that rolling burn that slides down your muscles after finishing a particularly tough set.

And it's starting to show. I mean REALLY show! Yes, my definition's a bit pillowy yet, but it's real definition... the fat's going away, and I'm starting to look powerful, not just feel it.

Wow. Thatsalotta freckles. ;)

I wear more sleeveless shirts now, because I'm PROUD of my arms!  I don't have to hide in enormous t-shirts anymore.

Do I still look pregnant? Not anymore. I haven't had anyone ask me when I was due in a while. I still have tummy fat... quite a bit of it. I'm not quite halfway to my goal weight. But having visible reminders of the fact that I AM doing something for my body, something GOOD? Helps. I'm not hanging my hat on the scale. This is a non-scale-victory, a NSV.  The NSVs are more important to me than what the scale says. If I look good in my skin, feel good, and have the confidence to be in public?

THAT is what matters.

Tonight, I'm going for a run. Not because I need to, but because I want to. I never thought I'd feel like actually running for fun, but I do tonight!

If nothing changes? Nothing changes.

I've mentioned my aunt before; she's an amazing lady, smart, successful, and healthy. She made a conscious decision some years ago to get well and truly healthy, and for the most part, she does a damn fine job of it.

She's the source of my favorite quote: "Be inefficient." It's one of her lifestyle philosophies. Basically, it means, stop doing things the easy way. Sure, it's quicker to drive half a mile to the store for a can of soup... but by being inefficient, you can take a more healthy path, and walk or ride a bike. You part at the far end of the grocery store parking lot, instead of right by the door. Things like that.

She has another saying that's one to live by:

"If nothing changes? Nothing changes."

This one's pretty self explanatory, but it's one that most people don't see to get deep down.  Basically? It means that if you do the same thing all the time, how can you expect anything to be different? It applies to all portions of your life. If you sit on your butt day after day, nothing can get better.  You won't lose weight. You won't get more money. You won't stop being bored.

So if something's not working... you need to shake things up. With respects to exercise, this is actually  a pretty effective means of plateau busting. As your body gets used to doing something the same way all the time, it gets more efficient at it... and burns fewer calories. That makes it less effective.  If you go out right now, and walk 2 miles three times per week at the same speed... eventually, you'll stop burning as many calories.

So, nothing changes.

The same goes for diet. If you're constantly dieting, and it's not working... nothing will change. Why would you keep doing the same thing over and over again? Stop dieting!

So if you're stuck, try something new.  Switch up your exercise routine. Try a different calorie range. Eat more. Measure.  Stop eyeballing. There's thousands of new things to try... try them!

After all, if you don't do anything differently? Nothing will change.

Justification Station

One of the things I've noticed when I talk to my friends now is that for some reason, they all seem compelled to tell me why they can't be healthy, or why they're not trying. It's like my mere presence is enough to make them feel guilty, and they've got this idea that I'm judging them or something. So they whip out all the justifications they can. 

I went to a friend's daughter's birthday party and a local fun center. Now, all of my friends are overweight... I mean all of them. And having seen their fridges and how they feed their kids (and themselves) it's easy to see why! 

I'll mention having just come from the gym, and they're like "I've thought about joining, but I don't have anyone to go with." 

There's one girl in particular who does this EVERY time I talk to her. She simply won't go on her own. 

I used to be that way. I stayed fat a long time because of that very excuse. I didn't want to be alone. But you know something? If you rely on other people for your motivation, they WILL fail you. This isn't a matter of if. It's when. Your health isn't a priority to anyone but you, and when your buddy doesn't go, are you really willing to skip out on being healthy because her life is busy? 

So I stopped making excuses. Literally, at the drop of a hat, I made the rash, un-thought-out decision to join a gym. By myself. Without the promise of a friend to motivate me to go. 

I decided to make NEW friends. Friends there, at the gym I went to, who went to the classes I enjoyed. And I have several now, including one very good friend who texts me when I don't show up. She is my extra motivation. I still don't rely on her for it, but she's there for a little extra accountability. 

So have any of you experienced that? Do your friends and family make excuses for why they aren't getting fit and healthy... even if you didn't ask them or bring it up?