I should have been at my goal weight by now

When I started on this journey, more than a year ago, by this point I thought I would be at my goal weight. I thought I'd shed off the pounds, be fit as a fiddle, and running around at my high school weight. I didn't figure I'd wear a bikini or anything, (pregnancy made sure that the trainwreck that is my stomach is something I'm not comfortable showing to the world) but I thought for sure I'd at least be in a size 10 by now.

But I'm not.

Why?

Well, it comes down to a few things. Life. Stress. Lack of self control. Having a husband who is profoundly overweight. I could point my fingers everywhere. What it comes down to is that I didn't do what needed to be done.

But I don't consider myself a failure. In fact, I think I'm pretty successful, for all I still have 30 lbs  or so to go.

I have kept the weight off. What I've lost, I've kept off. I haven't gone back to old habits.

Over the last year, I've learned to be healthy. I am not dieting or anything like that, and all those babysteps have added up to the point where I'm no longer afraid of maintenance. Heck, I maintained a steady weight for 6 months without even trying, when I fell off the wagon the last time.

So I'm losing slowly. I don't mind that. This has been a journey of education, of self-discovery. Of learning that I like being healthy, that I enjoy being fit. I'm fitter now than I have been since college, for all I'm still overweight. I'm not obese anymore. I'm proud of that progress. I'm wearing clothes that I look good in, I have self confidence, and most importantly, I haven't given up. I haven't done as so many people do and start, and then quit after a few months. I am not on the yoyo train, I haven't had to shed the same 10 lbs over and over again.

I think I'm doing well.

This feels like a turning point for me. I'm almost zen about it; I just feel philosophical. I've been fat for a long time. I've felt fat for a long time. I don't feel fat anymore. I still glare at my gut, and wish it would go away, but I don't frown or avoid the mirror, and I've caught myself checking out my butt a time or two.

So if it feels like your progress is achingly slow, look at the big picture. What matters isn't that you shed the weight to look good in a wedding dress, or for a reunion, or whatever special event you want to reach. It's not about fitting a bikini, or any of that. This is a journey of healthy living for life.

And suppose that I didn't lose a single other pound. I stayed right here, at 184, for the rest of my life.

You know what? I'm okay with that. It's not ideal, and I could be healthier, but as long as I stay active, eat right, I think I would be okay with whatever my weight is. As long as I can outrun my children, play with my dog, lift weights, and enjoy a very tasty slice of whole wheat toast with peanut butter... who cares what that stupid scale says?

I have to love me, no matter what my weight. What if I reach my goal weight, but I'm not happy with my body? It happens all the time. People somehow link a certain scale number with happiness, and they reach it, and discover that happiness doesn't magically fall from the sky.

To be successful in this journey, I think you have to do more than just lose weight. I think you have to work on the inside. Focus on that brain. If your brain isn't ready and able to cope with the journey, you won't make it to the end. And even if you do, you won't stay there. I think the reason so many people gain the weight back is because they never go their mind together.

So think about it. What can you do to get your brain in order? How can you change your mindset to be less about the scale?

Photo courtesy of ddddaniel.

My New Secret Weapon... revealed!

Okay, I've been hinting at my new secret plan, and today, I finally get to reveal what it is.

I was privileged enough to receive an advance review copy of Sparkpeople's new book, "The Spark Solution: A Complete Two-Week Diet Program to Fast-Track Weight Loss and Total Body Health."

 I've been stalled for a while, mostly because of self-control issues, and when I was offered a chance to check it out, well, who am I do say no?

The plan has been absolutely fantastic. The food is good (as anyone who has tried one of Chef Meg's recipes can tell you) and the plan is easy to follow; it's about education. It's a "diet" book, I suppose, because it provides you with specific foods to eat, but what it really does is teach you how to make smarter choices. It provides specific foods you might eat, and then provides an alternate option that is better, and teaches you how to make clever substitutions that lower calorie count and boost nutrition. I'm sticking white cannelini beans in the weirdest stuff now, and I'm amazed at how much bulk I'm getting as a result. ;) Seriously, who would have thought to stick kidney beans in an enchilada?

Overall, I have really enjoyed this book. It's written in the upbeat, positive style that is Sparkpeople's unique voice, and includes tons of helpful tips that when applied, can result in big changes.

I will admit I didn't do much in the way of the exercises; I have an exercise plan I follow, and prefer more advanced strength training moves. But I have been following the plan, and have been thrilled. In the first week, I lost two pounds. I'm down 4, total! Given that my weight hasn't moved in months, that's what makes me happiest. The best part is how I am not hungry; these plans provide perfect nutrition to stave off cravings, and I find I don't even miss the stuff I'm skipping.

Now, you may ask, why in the world should you get this book? Well, for starters, the freebies that come with preordering (3 months of SparkCoach, a bucket of sparkpoints, and some DVDs) are well worth the cover price anyway.

But if you're just starting out on your journey, or are stuck and bored with the plan you have... I seriously think you should consider this. I mean, come on, a diet plan that includes cookies for breakfast? Seriously? (I'm not kidding. There are breakfast cookies.)

This isn't a diet like other diets. It doesn't promise to shed pounds with little effort, or "burn fat" more than others. It's about teaching you to make healthy choices for life. Teaching you to think about what you're putting in your body, and eat for energy. It's about mindfulness. None of these recipes are "diet food" - my favorite is the curried tuna salad sandwich. I used to make my tuna sandwiches with tuna, a splotch of light mayo, and a slice of cheese. This recipe uses curry powder, cucumbers, cranberries, and a bit of greek yogurt, and it's served warm. I added a little bit of shredded mozzarella for a cheesy addition. Stuffed into a sandwich round, it was honestly the best tuna sandwich I'd ever had. :)

Nearly every recipe includes veggies. Even things that you wouldn't expect to find veggies (like the aforementioned enchiladas) have added vegetable content in ways that aren't intrusive. It doesn't feel like you're sneaking them in, but it DOES make it much easier to get those vegetable servings in each meal.

Now, there were a couple of recipes that I got a bit frustrated with. Some of this may have been my lack of sleep, but one or two were too complicated for my liking. I couldn't afford a big trip to the grocery store for some of the ingredients. However, thanks to the information in the book, I felt comfortable swapping out things in the recipe for stuff I had on hand (no cucumbers? Dice some bell peppers instead!) because that's kinda the whole point.

Best of all, this is a two week plan, but the subtitle is very misleading. This isn't just a two-week diet plan. This is a handholding introduction to healthy living, and after you finish the plan, it arms you with the tools and resources to keep moving forward. One thing any of you who have seen or read anything I write now, I don't diet. I don't deny myself, I don't skip things I enjoy, and I refuse to disallow myself any food.

That didn't change following this plan.  I averaged around 1600 calories a day (a little more than the plan recommends, but necessary for me) and still had days where I had takeout pizza, or even a bowl of ramen noodles. But I did stick primarily with the plan, and will continue to follow it for a while. I stopped for about a week, and found myself immediately feeling rough again... not tracking and ignoring the things I learned caused me to pay a price. I'm planning on doing it again starting this week.

This is a plan I like. And the cheesy chicken pouch? Dear lord, that thing is a sin, and no one who is "dieting" should ever eat it. At least, it tastes like you shouldn't.  But that's what I love about the Spark Solution... you can have it, and eat it, too. Guilt free.

So please, if you're looking for a change in your routine, just getting started, or are plateaued and want a change, preorder the Spark Solution. If you do this plan, you won't regret it.

Besides, it's just two weeks. How long have you been fat? Two weeks is nothing. You have that kind of time. Try it. :)

Full disclosure! I received an advance copy of this book for free from SparkPeople and did not receive any form of payment for my review.

Head Games...

Head games, it's you and me baby 
Head games, and I can't take it anymore 
Head games, I don't wanna play the... 
Head games 


Yeah, so I have Foreigner in my head this morning.

I'm psyching myself out again. I've been on this plateau for so long (okay, it's not a plateau, it's maintenance, be honest with yourself, Heather!) that an actual loss doesn't feel real.

So I lost a pound last week, and recorded it on my official weigh in day. 190.6

Well, only four days later, I'm reading 187.

Wait... what?

Okay, I know all the mantras... fluid loss, takes time, don't weigh every day, yadda yadda. I'm not the sort to be married to the scale, but I've had a hard time with sodium lately, so I'm using the scale as sort of a sodium reaction meter.

I've been very inactive; I've been to the gym once, and I have thrown in a little weight lifting here and there with my husband at home, we're talking less than 10 minutes, with some squats and bicep curls just to keep moving.

I'm going to assume this is a fluid loss, since I've been maintaining for months so it's a little like starting out anew.

I still don't trust it, though. I don't want to record it, and then have to change it when I hit another spike.

So I'll continue to monitor this, and if it averages out all week... I'll count it.

But man, I hate these head games. ;)

I will report that my anniversary dinner went well last night. I chose a 9 oz filet mignon (OMG GOOD), broccoli, a smidge of pasta, and a side of oysters. I stayed more or less in my calorie range! Even with snacks, I didn't go over. Well, not by much. Usually I OD on special occasions, with gleeful abandon.

Now, my real weight loss happened in my wallet. Maybe that 3 lb loss is actually the loss of a $100 meal from my pocket. ;) Ah well, it was worth it.

Photo courtesy of Calgary Reviews

August the First: Reboot

So, it's no secret that this entire summer has kinda sucked for me. I've been terribly inconsistent with my workouts, and in fact, haven't been more than once a week in two months. Very uncool. Part of it is that without the motivation of having to take the kid to school, I just don't like to get up in the morning. I work from home, so I set my own hours. I'm NOT a morning person. So given my druthers, I stay up late, and sleep in. I've been out of sorts emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

I have done well with my eating, so that I've lost some, though not as much as I'd like. 

But, in order to get back on track, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, and make some goals for August. You guys are going to make me feel guilty if I don't. :) 

So, here's my goals for the month. 

1) I will walk three times a week with my family. With my husband off his meds and my kids getting unfit, we need to make this a priority for all of us. Some of it's understandable; I mean, the average temperature this summer has hovered over 100, so it's been tough to get them to go outside and play. But still, there's no excuse for them getting worn out after a half a mile of walking Monday! 

2) I will go to the gym 3 times per week. I'm paying for the membership, I'm going! I miss my classmates and trainers, honestly. 

3) I will ride my bike 3 times per week. I love my bike. I love riding it. It's not even exercise, to me, it's fun! This will be my me time, my enjoyment time. 

4) I will write 1,667 words a day every day all month for Camp NaNoWriMo. I didn't write a thing during June's camp, so I'm going to do it come hell or high water. 

All doable. What are YOUR goals for this month? 

I'm not weak. And neither are you.

A lot of times we berate ourselves for not being strong enough to do certain things. Women are the worst, too; we can't do many "boy" pushups, or a pullup... we call ourselves weak, and plan to be strong.

Here's the thing about that: YOU ARE NOT WEAK.

Weak people don't even try to do a pull up. Weak people don't care if they can't do a real pushup. Weak people don't make a plan to be able to do new things.

Weak people don't challenge themselves. Weak people don't try to make their lives better.

Weak people are content to live in their own misery. I'm not. And I doubt you are, either.

Yesterday while doing Boot Camp, our instructor had us do a lift where we held our barbells out straight, lowered our arms, and raised them again to head height. (I don't know what that's called.) It's really hard, especially for women, because those muscles are generally "weak" in women.

I was annoyed with myself because I was only able to do 10 of the first set, had to pause, and finish the last 3. It was a total of 16 reps for everyone else. I don't like not being able to finish reps... I pride myself on my strength, and love that I can do it.

Everyone else raised their eyebrows, and the instructor said "I'm surprised you did that many!"

You see, aside from the instructor himself... I had the heaviest weight in the class. Everyone else was using 2 1/2 or 5 lb weights on their barbells... I was using 7 1/2.

That, my dears, is not weak. I put more effort into my routine that anyone else had in that moment, and I kept fighting. I only missed 3 reps.

That, my friends, means I'm strong. NOT weak. STRONG.

And so are you. So don't look at what you can't do, and decide you're weaker for it. Look at what you CAN do, and realize just how powerful you really are.

My new goals, and my latest successes

This has been an incredible week. I've really been motivated, and I've been absolutely successful at meeting my nutrition goals. My Sparkpeople Nutrition Tracker helps me track my calories, and I've been sticking with the program. I've been working out regularly, and have started a 10 minute fitness challenge. Not for during the week, really, because I have no real trouble getting to the gym anymore (except when my daughter's not in school, but that's another blog post entirely) and I work my ass off in those classes. The 10 minute fitness challenge is for the weekends, because I tend to sit on my butt all weekend in front of the computer. So my goal is to consistently get a minimum of 10 minutes of activity a day... no exceptions. Even on the weekends!

Saturday was fantastic. My whole family got up and went out in the street to play! The girls rode their scooters, my husband bought a new skateboard, and I walked the dog! It was just plain fun.

I ate well (which is a major accomplishment) and did so without denial. I even pigged out on grilled ribs.

Last night was a real dietary accomplishment. My family adores Old El Paso enchiladas. You can get a dinner kit, and they eat the heck out of them. Problem is... they're TERRIBLE. 1 serving is almost 400 calories, and that's without all the extras I like, sour cream, extra cheese, etc.

Well, I got to looking, and realized a LOT of the calorie oomph is from the flour tortillas. If I dump those... that cuts the count in HALF.

Holy cow.

So I made up a recipe here on sparkrecipes (here, if you're interested) and realized that with this, a serving is under 200 calories! That INCLUDES my cheese! This also means I can add other toppings like sour cream and olives guilt-free.

To top it all off, the real icing on the cake, today I weighed in... and I've lost THREE POUNDS. I've gone from 196.4 to 193.6. That is phenomenal! I'm so proud of myself, especially after my recent 8 lb setback. I hit 190, then ballooned back up to 198 because I got lazy. I'm so proud of myself. The best part of all of this is I'm making a lifestyle change. I'm changing how I think of food. Yesterday I got a vanilla coke from the fridge for my daily caffeine fix. I drank half of the can, and just plain decided I wanted water more. IT didn't taste right, and I was craving water. Today, I did it again.. only this time, I grabbed the coke, wrinkled my nose at it, and put it BACK in the fridge... I've been drinking water since.

I can't believe it. It's really, truly happening.

Great abs are made in the kitchen... not in the gym

I just heard this ancient nugget of wisdom, and while the attribution for the original quote ranges widely (up to and including Arnold Schwarzenneger) the point behind it is simple.

Doing 1,000 crunches won't result in washboard abs.

What I think is a better quote is that "Great abs are made in the gym, but revealed in the kitchen."

What does this mean, exactly?

One big myth you'll hear a lot of overweight wannabe exercisers state is that they want to target X body part, or lose weight there. Back at the beginning of the year, I watched two ladies with very large backsides and thighs do the same thing for the two weeks they were there. Walk on the treadmill, then get on the thigh machines.

Day after day.

It was clear that they wanted to lose weight in their thighs.

Thing is, exercise doesn't work like that. Oh, you can tone your arms, or crunch your way to washboard abs... but you're not going to lose weight by doing planks.

You have to eat right! My trainer at the gym tells us often: You can't out-exercise a bad diet.

See, I'm one of those lucky people who carries most of her weight in her abdominal area. Heck, look at the title of my blog!

What the "great abs are made in the kitchen" means is that you have to eat right, because when you gain weight, you'll gain it wherever you're genetically predisposed to do. Right now, when I tighten my abs, I can FEEL the strength. I've been working on them hard, for five months. I HAVE washboard abs.

They're just hidden under 30 lbs of eeew.

So what I have to do is lose weight... I can't lose weight in targeted areas, I have to lose weight ALL OVER. By eating less than I burn, regularly exercising, I can lose that weight, and eventually, my gut will go. I'll show off the washboard abs I can FEEL under all that fat. My genetics tell me that my stress and my overeating puts weight there.

My habits in the kitchen will defeat it. I can do more crunches than anyone I know... but I won't be able to see them until my eating habits are caught up.

So let's spread the word:

Great abs are made in the gym, but REVEALED in the kitchen!

Tai Chi and Trying to Recover

So this week put me face-to-face with my nemesis: School breaks. See, my routine during the week is to drop my kiddo off at school, then head straight to the gym, where I work out for 1-2 hours, depending on what classes are available.

On weekends, and when my daughter is out of school, I find it very difficult to get up in the morning. See, I work from home, and pretty much crawl out of bed when I like, and hit the computer. I'm not a morning person, and tend to not go to the gym if I don't go first thing. There's always something else going on to distract me.

So my daughter had three days off this week. So that meant I didn't go to the gym for three days this week. I'm already planning for the summer, though; I've made a friend at the gym, and I've already told her that when summer gets here, she's getting my number, and she's to text and nag me to come to class with her.

This SUCKS. I'm already gaining weight from not tracking my caloric intake (I've been good today, actually tracking my food, but I've been BAAD for several weeks, and gained back almost 9 lbs.) The stress level in this house has been catastrophic lately, too. My husband has been very sick. He ended up in the ER yesterday thanks to a nasty seizure last night. He slipped a disc, fractured his foot, and dislocated his jaw a bit. He's been sick almost constantly for weeks, and my stress level has just been through the roof. I think that's part of why I gained weight; I snack when I'm stressed. I'm trying to be more mindful, and have made sure to stock HEALTHY snacks.

Now, in more fun news: My daughter LOVES Tai Chi. After watching Kung Fu Panda 2, she wanted to try Tai Chi, and since I have a Tai Chi video, I put it on for her, and we did Tai Chi for 20 minutes while supper was getting ready. She loved it (she's 6) and it was good for me, too. I think we're going to start doing it more often, because she was so relaxed. She's a bit hyperactive, so anything that calms her down is good. I think Tai Chi would be good for her, too, because it gives her an awareness of what her body is doing, where it is, and how to make it do what she wants. She needs better balance, too. She's starting soccer this weekend, so I think being able to follow instructions and focus on her body will be extra good practice for soccer.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym, and I'm going to bust my butt to make up for the effort I've wasted this week.

Progress in spades

First, what I fed my kid today!

This is all by request, mind you.

Pickle
Salad (Italian dressing)
Guacamole (Made it tonight.)
Whole grain chips
Blueberries
Pepperoni

I asked her what she wanted tonight, and word for word, that was what she asked for. I am so thrilled that she is making healthy choices! Granted, she's a pickle addict, but all have our vices! She may be 5, but she's got a good head on her shoulders.

Yesterday, I had a writer's conference, and I had nothing clean to wear, so I started digging around in my drawer.

I spotted my favorite cargo pants; pants I haven't been able to wear in months because my butt got to  big. I stared at them for a moment, and said, "HEck, why not."

So I put them on.

They FIT.

Comfortably! Yeah, I've still got the Muffin Top of Doom, but they fit around my hips!  

I felt SO good.

My aunt says I look different. I know what the mirror's showing me isn't repulsive anymore, and the huge underwear I bought are starting to get too big.

I'm liking this so, so much.

Weekly Weigh-in

I dropped another 3.4 lbs this week! That's probably a little faster than is strictly necessary, but I'm overweight enough that I feel comfortable with it. It's not like I'm dropping 10 lbs in a week. ;)

So I'm down to 204.6. That's just... awesome. The gym membership is really paying off. I've been seriously watching my caloric intake, which is keeping me from losing progress to inactivity.

I did an ab class today, a half hour and man, she's good. I have trouble doing some of the exercises, mostly because she's got a narrow little trainer's behind, and mine is... not. It's a good bit larger. ;) So my hips often scream at the stress. I worked up a GOOD sweat today. Walked for 37 minutes (30 minutes on the 5k your way plan, then a 7 minute cooldown walk after the ab class. I'm planning on going to the kickboxing class tomorrow night.

I feel so good right now. I really am seeing measurable results, and that's just awesome.

My nemesis: The scale

My first weigh-in at the gym was... not what I wanted to do. I walked in, stared at the scale, and walked right by into the bathroom. After that, I took a deep breath, stepped up, flicked the little doohickeys around and found:

I've lost 3 lbs!

Progress! Real, measurable progress. We won't even talk about non-measurable ones. I have more energy, am breathing better, and just plain feel better about myself. My mental health has improved, too. Having that time in the morning to myself is helping, a lot.

So YAY ME!

I also walked 1.75 miles this morning in my 5k Walking plan. I didn't do an incline today, and I probably won't do any cross training; while walking around in Atlanta during Dragon*Con Saturday, not only did I clock 6 miles of nonstop walking (up hills, stairs, etc), I turned my ankle a bit on a curb.

I don't want to risk a serious injury, so I'm taking is semi-easy. I'm not skipping any workouts, but I'm being careful not to hurt myself.

I write, but this blog is about fitness

I do have a writing blog, of course, which has been my first and most successful foray into the blogosphere. However, now that I'm starting to get serious, I figure I need a blog devoted to fitness.

This week, I discovered that I weigh 211 lbs.

Two. Hundred. Eleven.

I've never weighed this much. You might ask why I titled my blog "I'm not pregnant, just fat." It's because to the untrained I, I *look* pregnant. Now, anyone familiar with pregnant women can see the telltale signs of non-pregnancy: no pregnancy mask, no peculiar puffiness in the face, a stomach that flabs over the pants rather than cutely stretching them out because of firm baby belly... but I still get asked, more frequently than I'd like, "When is the baby due?"

So I say, point blank, "I'm not pregnant, just fat."

I think I've finally said it often enough people around here stopped asking. Or maybe I just ran into the rude ones earlier.

I've reached a point in my life where I have two little girls watching every move I make. I can make a choice: I can continue to live sedentarily, on my ass in front of the computer, or I can get up, start moving, eat better, and FIX THIS.

I'm a 32 year old mom of two. This is me.




Let's make this journey together, and see if I can turn the lady in the mirror into something I'm proud of, and that you don't mind looking at.